Girlfriend

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

My Result: Amorous Adventurer

Carefree and fun, you are easily excited when it comes to new experiences — and that includes relationships. It's not that you see boyfriends as frivolous pursuits, but you enjoy the art of the chase, and you work to make sure that long-term relationships maintain that sense of adventure and surprise.


You may not be the type of girlfriend who spends every waking hour with her man, but that doesn't mean you're not thinking about him. You're just an independent woman, and it's important for you to feel challenged and creative in most things you do. That's what makes any relationship an adventure.

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Dream Man

Who's the Man of Your Dreams?

My Result: A Rebel with a Cause

Just because he's a rebel doesn't mean he's a bad boy. An adventurous and strong soul like you is looking for that special guy who's got a wild streak and a cause worth fighting for. We bet almost nothing turns you on more than standing up for what you believe in and seeing others do the same.


After all, you're not the kind of girl who's gonna settle for anything less than the best. So keep on following your heart — it'll help you find exactly what you're looking for. You rebel!

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In The Land Of Women

Adam Brody is cute in a ‘I Have A Weird Voice Intonation’ sorta way. Anyway, Carter Webb (Brody) gets dumped by his girlfriend Sophie who I’m sure I’ve seen somewhere else besides Van Helsing, so she dumps him and the poor baby cries like in a really heart wrenching sorta way then when thats over, he walks out of the diner puts on those terribly sexy aviator sunglasses and sticks a cigarette in his mouth and even though he’s still dragging his way to his car so half-assed, you forgot her pathetic reasons for dumping him.






Anyway! So his gramma thinks she's dying, he decides to go see her and look after her as opposed to his mum. And across from gramma Phyllis lives Sarah (Meg Ryan), Lucy (The Pretty Kristen Stewart) and her little sister Paige.

* Sarah & Carter take walks.
* Carter is a soft core porn writer.
* Sarah tells Lucy to take Carter out for a movie cuz it'll be a nice thing to do for the new dude in the neighborhood.
* Lucy hates Sarah
* Gramma by far the funniest woman, she says stuff like "Who's Gives A Shit" and flips people off.

* Sarah is sick.
* Sarah knows that her husband is cheating on her.
* Lucy's apparent boyfriend can't wait for her to put out so he fucks her bestfriend.
* There a guy with a gap in his front teeth that has the hots for Lucy.
* Lucy takes Carter to a party.

And well, you just have to watch the rest to know it!

3 pills out of 5

Sunshine

This is a spacey movie. Space, gravity, the sun, astronauts, scientists, Chinese, Japanese and most importantly Cillian Murphy’s beautiful magnetic baby blues!!

In the future the sun is weaken as a result Earth will enter an ice ace so the geniuses on Earth sends an spaceship called the Icarus II to space to release a gigantic bomb to re-ignite the Sun, yes, that’s possible in 2057.

There was an Icarus I which was sent earlier but it lost all contact, Icarus II finds Icarus I along their course. At this point there was a fuck up on Icarus II which makes them lose their oxygen supply and one part of the ship is exposed to the Sun or something like that!

So anyway, they go on Icarus I to check out what happened and if there are supplies there they can use, all make it back except one.

Then they unknowingly bring back an unwanted visitor from Icarus I, this guy is like seriously sun damaged and it prolly got to his brain too.

Then blah blah blah blah! The thing is if the mission does fail, then Earth can kiss her mama’s ass goodbye!

I seemed to have developed a little problem where if there’s someone as mesmerizing as Murphy on screen, I can’t just really concentrate on what the hell is happening so pardon the not so informative breakdown.

And I swear, I was trying my damndest to focus but damn that dark hair and those bluest blue eyes!!

Interesting fact: Though raised Catholic before turning agnostic in his teens, Murphy ultimately became an atheist after researching his role as a nuclear physicist/astronaut in the science fiction film Sunshine.


3 Pills Out Of 5


Case In Point:


This Would Have Helped:

Buscemi!!

Movies I have watched recently but I’m just too damned lazy to review!

Monty Python’s The Life Of Brian
Monty Python’s And Now For Something Completely Different
Towering Inferno
The Most Unromantic Man In The World
The Dreamers
Fargo
Lonesome Jim
Gerry
Erik The Viking
Matchstick Men

And because they’re pretty, here Steve Buscemi’s thin long fingers!

Oldboy

Reasons to watch oldboy


• Has a wonderful soundtrack!
• Is nicely shot
• Has a cute little white dog
• The “Villain” Woo Jin is quite an entertaining character
• These people speak funny!
• Watch a man eat a raw octopus
• Characters try and outwit each other
• Transformation of characters when they were younger to the present
• Fascinating fight scenes
• There’s a rapid head shaking scene that looks straight out of 1990’s Jacob’s Ladder
• Last but not least, James *recommends it! (*insists or the threats will come!)
• This movie has all the things we love and hold dear to our black black hearts! Please see below.






4 out of 5 pills




And now I would like to take this opportunity to introduce my alter ego that has been hiding inside me for sooooooooooooo long! Please meet:

Monstrous abnormal nasty insane creature! In short M.A.N.I.C

Foolproof

I only watched this movie only cuz Ryan Reynolds was in it….It was okay….Here it goes without any pauses:

Reynolds works in an insurance firm and then there’s this girl and this other guy and in their free time they figure how to crack security systems and then there’s this mafia guy who steals their plan that they never planned to actually carry out cuz they only do for the challenge so the mafia guy actually goes through with the plan and succeeds and then he wants them to do like a big heist, Ocean’s 11 style or he’ll send the blueprint of their plans to the police with their fingerprints on it.

I would usually hate any chick that you know…..would be the love interest of my dearest Reynolds but this girl I can stand…cuz she’s not that pretty anyways!

I couldn’t find pictures of the other guy “Rob” but he’s kinda cute in a goofy way….but here’s the unattractive love interest!








2 ½ pills out of 5

Dirty Deeds

Milo Ventimiglia is cute but watching Dirty Deeds just didn’t do it for me, too high school, too not funny, too predictable. And the kids don’t even get in any real trouble which makes it all the more unrealistic.

Its like high school is everything and I mean come on….seriously, he doesn’t look like he’s in high school! Lacey Chabert doesn’t really make much of an impression cuz she she doesn’t say much or just says really banal things, the only time I looked up from my nails when she was in the scene was at the end, where she laughed.

If that is laughter then…..the grunts and squeals of a pig deserve a Grammy.


The only reason I watched this movie was Milo Ventimiglia but if you don’t like him or his cleft lip or his dry one-liners then don’t watch, just paint your nails with precision.


½ a pill of out 5

9 Songs

9 Songs

Watching people having endless sex isn’t as appealing as I thought it would be, especially when that thing is supposed to be a woman. At one time she actually pokes fun at herself while in the nude, asking the dude if she looks like a boy.

So anyways, the movie just follows these two through their concert-going, having sex in the kitchen, having sex in the dining room, having sex in a hotel room, having sex at random times of the day. Just basically fucking, you get the point. Oh and snorting.

And yeah, that’s about it and that she’s cranky about her tea and for fuck’s sake she’s a yankee he’s the brit!!

Oh and there are some scenes where the dude is in Alaska?!

Whatever man….I’d rather watch imaginary martians doing the cha-cha on my ceiling….wait, they’re not imaginary!!

Now how many girls can say that did not enjoy watching random sex scenes for over an hour and has actual martians dancing on their ceilings?!? Just ME, that's how many!


No pills out of 5. But here’s a pile of very deserving turtle excrement!



Maybe it would have been bearable if they weren’t so hard to look at and by that I mean look like porn stars! Those people were built for that!

Helter Skelter

Helter Skelter

I actually went looking for this movie cuz I was wondering what the hell happened to Jeremy Davies! Its been soooooooooo long since I’d seen him in anything! Anyway, I discovered Helter Skelter!

And what a discovery it was! Ooooh! Jeremy Davies! My dear Chaps would prolly remember him as mild-mannered Upham in Saving Private Ryan. Anyways! As the title suggests its about no, not the Beatles! But Charlie Manson and yes, Davies plays Manson! The movie surrounds the little family that Manson created and how they all adore and are in awe of him, in short, they think he’s Jesus.

But what’s a Manson movie without the Tate-LaBianca murders and how he conspired them but didn’t directly participate.

Linda Kasabian played by Clea Duvall is a young lady who joins the Manson family, she has a young daughter. Upon arrival, her daughter is taken away from her as well as all her possessions, this is as Charles instructed. As Linda sits down to her first meal with the Mansons, she’s cautioned by Susan "Sadie" Atkins played by the pretty Marguerite Moreau “Charlie says women must only eat after the dogs have eaten.”

Linda gets with Manson, she tells one of the girls “its like he sees through me”. Linda also accompanies members of the family for their variety of murder sprees. She then tries to escape as the reality of the murders hit her and the rest, well go watch it and you’ll know the rest!


3 ½ pills out of 5

Sublime

Sublime

The “Ed” guy is in this one, I only bothered to remember his name cuz I’m writing this, Thomas Cavanagh. On his 40th birthday George Grieves (Cavanagh) has to go for a routine medical procedure. Before that his family, wife, brother, daughter and son and some friends come to celebrate his birthday.

Then I don’t know what happens. He goes to the hospital to get this procedure done, there’s this hot nurse then he wakes up the and the doctor tells him that there was a mix up and that the procedure meant for him was done to another patient with a same sounding last name.

Here on out, all he does is lie in bed, hallucinate? And think about the birthday party, his wife and kids come to visit and I think he thinks that the wife is fuckin the doctor who made the mistake then he fucks the hot nurse, she helps him go to this place “abandoned” place and look for his medical file. And then she wheels him back to his room?? Which takes a really long time and he gets to see all this gruesome stuff and also his wife fuckin Dr. Mistake. The scene slightly resembles a scene from Jacob’s Ladder.

Then there’s this black male nurse who kills the patient in the next bed?? Okay, all these ?? is because I have no idea if the dude is hallucinating or all this shit is really happening and then the black dude wants to kill him too.

Okay, if you really want to know the rest and you think you have more patience than me to sit through movies like this then RENT IT! Cuz it’s a direct-to-DVD movie anyways!!

The only thing that didn’t make it SUCH a BIG waste of my time was his cute brother, Billy (David Clayton Rogers) and to show you why, here's a picture!



The movie’s tagline is, “Maybe... if you spend your life worrying... then the only way that your life will have meaning is if what you fear becomes real” maybe this will give you some insight on that the fuck is goin on.


1 ½ pills out of 5

Smokin' Aces

Smokin' Aces

Smokin’ Aces was so fun to watch even though half the time I had no idea what was goin on…but who cares!? Its Ryan Reynolds for fuck’s sake! Anyways! There were other actors in there like Andy Garcia who’s character keeps you guessing whether he’s in on the whole thing, Ray Liotta who looks a whole lot better than he did in Revolver, he just looked 'ugh' in that, I've always thought that he had the most beautiful eyes and its still apparent even though everything else is wrinkled, Ben ‘Fat’ Affleck who as usual looks like he’s acting and he knows the camera’s there, Peter Berg who got really old! Very unlike dry sarcastic totally cute and unfeeling Dr. Billy Kronk we are all used to, Jason Bateman who in recent times just loves poking fun at himself, Jeremy Piven who makes it so easy to hate him, I might almost bet my last cigarette he’s a wife-beater!, Matthew Fox who’s almost unrecognizable but I recognized him! There can’t be someone else with that sharp nose and straight jaw! Nestor Carbonell, who has come a looooong way from his Suddenly Susan days. Alicia Keys, okay I have nothing to say about her.


Anyways! Did I say Ryan Reynolds already?!?! Ahh…brings me back to secondary school days, Two Guys A Girl And A Pizza Place and entire exercise books filled with Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds...okay, you get the picture!

I swear I earnestly and diligently tried to watch the movie with an uninformed movie-goer’s perspective but I just couldn’t help but sigh every time he came onscreen! So pardon me if I didn’t get what the heck was goin on but this is what I remember…..

Piven is a magician and a junkie. A magical junkie!
Liotta is *sigh* Reynold’s partner
Everybody wants Piven dead (Can’t really blame them)
There are like 5 contract killers hired by some big mafia boss for the hit
There is no love interest for *sigh* Reynold’s character, yay!!

Oh and *sigh* Reynold’s character is a cop, forgot that for a second there!

4 pills out of 5


All for Reynolds! Biased, yes I know, but I don’t give a fuck!


And this is just so I can drool somemore! This is strictly for my benefit! And yours too, so you know who to stay off!

The Good Shepherd

The Good Shepherd

I was lost the first two hours of this movie and I kept getting irritated because I did not know what the hell was going on but I chose to persevere and muddled my way through it!

I think my perseverance paid off and I was nicely rewarded with some light on the matter. Okay, first let me just say that I’m still not entirely sure of what was going on even after watching the movie but since I watched it and you’re here to read my opinion on it, deal with it!

I won’t call it boring but its……..confusing. There is no warning when you are taken back to the past and because there is no obvious change in the character (clothes, hairstyle, a younger looking face) or the look and feel of the film (black and white, sepia, spots), you are not sure if the scene is taking place in the present or the past and because it is so, you need to seriously pay attention to what is being said. But then again, that is really hard to do because when people from the C.I.A talk, its so fuckin soft, that your heart thumping in your chest is louder.

Okay, back to the movie, so Matt Damon plays this Edward Wilson guy who meets this hearing challenged girl and they go out then he fucks Jolie (Clover) and gets her pregnant the first time, hurrah!

So he has to marry her “because it’s the right thing to do”. Then he disappears for like 6 years and we get to see people in long overcoats and hats talking in dark shadowy places using words that don’t go together in hushed whispers. These people are De Niro who also doubles up as director, William Hurt, Alec Baldwin, Billy Crudup with a put on, see through British accent.

So blah blah, and then Edward has to choose between his loyalty to his country or his family. Don’t ask me why, I won’t tell!!

A few things to look out for:

• Timothy Hutton!!! As Wilson’s dad.

• The conversation between Wilson’s character and Joseph Palmi (Joe Pesci) who only shows his face for this conversation:

Palmi: Let me ask you sumthin,
We Italians we got our families and we got the church.
The Irish they have their homeland.
The jews, their tradition, even the niggers, they got their music.
What about you people Mr. Carlson, what do you have?

Wilson: The United States of America, the rest of you are just visiting.
• Another conversation.

Hayes: I remember a senator once asked me, when we talk about C.I.A, why we never used the word ‘the’ in front of it. And I asked him do you put the word ‘the’ in front of God?

I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about because I say THE C.I.A.



2 pills out of 5 pills

Hannibal Rising

Hannibal Rising

This movie documents the beginning of Hannibal Lecter from a young boy to a pubescent boy to the person we see in Silence of the Lambs.

While it would be interesting to fans or people who have watched the previous offerings, it might be a tad bit dry, slow and boring to those who don’t.

While the lead actor Gaspard Ulliel seems too goody two shoes to be playing Hannibal Lecter, he doesn’t fair too badly, even though his motive is vengeance, he seems to enjoy and relish every minute of it….but then there’s Gong Li who I last saw in “Miami Vice”. Of course I only watched the first 10 minutes because farrell and foxx stank (see how they didn’t deserve to be in capital letters there!). I could actually whiff major major B.O coming off my screen! I absolutely had to turn it off or risk being suffocated by the stench of wannabes and bad acting!

Anyway! Where was I? Right Gong Li! When my dear chappy when to watch Miami Vice in the theatres (yes, she paid real money for it), she told me that every time Gong Li said something, she was thinking “What the fuck did she just say?!?!”.

And not surprisingly, she was incoherent in this movie too. I’ll just come out and say it because we are thinking it but no one can find his or rather her balls (ok! Whatever, Lene!)

Dumb ignorant chink whore.

There! And don’t pretend you were not thinking exactly the same thing! I know! I’m telepathic!

And another thing, she’s playing a Japanese woman. See, you really can’t tell them apart.

Umm…yes the movie!


Things I found out so you don’t have to!

• Family lived in Lithuania in a castle
• Had a younger sister who was eaten by who else, but Nazi soldiers
• Beheaded first victim (a butcher) but did not eat him
• Sister was chosen because according to the “medical expert” present, she had pneumonia and was going to die anyway.
• 2nd victim was also beheaded but this time Lecter ate his cheeks



And more thing, am I the only one who realizes that Hannibal rhymes with cannibal? What is that about?


2 pills out of 5

Upcoming reviews

Watch this space for reviews of:



Hannibal Rising

The Chronicles of Narnia - The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.

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Keeeppp watchin..


















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If you got this far then you are either extremely bored or like me you are slightly mad and delirious from addictive substances! Congratulations to us!! We must now proceed to conquer and overthrow the rational, sensible, conventional and normal folks who live only in my wonderfully deceitful brain!! Come one and all!!

Funny Money

Funny Money

Chevy Chase looks old with hanging jowls and all…I found this movie irritating, stupid and painful to watch…it was meant to be a comedy but it fell far far from the intended tree.

The characters are made to look dim-witted and unintelligent…..the scenes and storyline wouldn’t have lasted 3 minutes in real life…cops are not that dumb, people are not that withstanding..

I watched this movie so you wouldn’t have to, you owe me big time.

This is how it goes.

Chevy Chase lands a briefcase filled with 5 million dollars by accidentally switching the identical briefcase with someone on the subway. The people who own (gangsters, mob, who ever the fuck), wants it back, Armand Assante is a detective that saw Chase in a bar behaving strangely so he go to Chase’s house to ask him why he was behaving strangely, Chase was counting the money in bar’s john, Chase offers to bribe him when he tells Chase he does not believe his story.

Chase’s wife Penelope Ann Miller is a sculptor who never had to the guts to display her work, that afternoon she bumps into some woman who owns a gallery or something and the lady offers to pay her a visit to see her sculptures.

The mobsters kills the guy who brought the wrong briefcase cuz it was payment for something..I don’t what and I don’t intend to find out. Because Chase’s briefcase was with the dead guy, the cops assume it was Chase who died. Enter rookie cop who arrives at the house to inform the wife that her husband was found dead in the river, while he’s actually in the kitchen bribing the cop….okay I can’t go on because then I might as well dictate the entire movie.

So yeah.



¼ a pill out of five

Club Dread

Club Dread

This is your typical young people “horror” movie with tits and asses and fucking in every other scene.

Kids on spring break go to “Pleasure Island” to do whatever it is they do on spring break……but SUDDENLY, the island’s staff show up dead in one way or another.

So while everybody is fucking each other they’re also trying to find out who’s the culprit..

Bill Paxton is in this movie, don’t ask me why…but it was a breath of fresh air to see him play a stoned out hippie. (And he also owns the island).

Its fun to watch if you’re too mentally strained from watching intelligent movies with substance, if you’re actually looking for a movie with more ‘oomph’ then please for the sake of your sanity, please give this movie a pass.


½ a pill out of 5