9 Songs

9 Songs

Watching people having endless sex isn’t as appealing as I thought it would be, especially when that thing is supposed to be a woman. At one time she actually pokes fun at herself while in the nude, asking the dude if she looks like a boy.

So anyways, the movie just follows these two through their concert-going, having sex in the kitchen, having sex in the dining room, having sex in a hotel room, having sex at random times of the day. Just basically fucking, you get the point. Oh and snorting.

And yeah, that’s about it and that she’s cranky about her tea and for fuck’s sake she’s a yankee he’s the brit!!

Oh and there are some scenes where the dude is in Alaska?!

Whatever man….I’d rather watch imaginary martians doing the cha-cha on my ceiling….wait, they’re not imaginary!!

Now how many girls can say that did not enjoy watching random sex scenes for over an hour and has actual martians dancing on their ceilings?!? Just ME, that's how many!


No pills out of 5. But here’s a pile of very deserving turtle excrement!



Maybe it would have been bearable if they weren’t so hard to look at and by that I mean look like porn stars! Those people were built for that!

Helter Skelter

Helter Skelter

I actually went looking for this movie cuz I was wondering what the hell happened to Jeremy Davies! Its been soooooooooo long since I’d seen him in anything! Anyway, I discovered Helter Skelter!

And what a discovery it was! Ooooh! Jeremy Davies! My dear Chaps would prolly remember him as mild-mannered Upham in Saving Private Ryan. Anyways! As the title suggests its about no, not the Beatles! But Charlie Manson and yes, Davies plays Manson! The movie surrounds the little family that Manson created and how they all adore and are in awe of him, in short, they think he’s Jesus.

But what’s a Manson movie without the Tate-LaBianca murders and how he conspired them but didn’t directly participate.

Linda Kasabian played by Clea Duvall is a young lady who joins the Manson family, she has a young daughter. Upon arrival, her daughter is taken away from her as well as all her possessions, this is as Charles instructed. As Linda sits down to her first meal with the Mansons, she’s cautioned by Susan "Sadie" Atkins played by the pretty Marguerite Moreau “Charlie says women must only eat after the dogs have eaten.”

Linda gets with Manson, she tells one of the girls “its like he sees through me”. Linda also accompanies members of the family for their variety of murder sprees. She then tries to escape as the reality of the murders hit her and the rest, well go watch it and you’ll know the rest!


3 ½ pills out of 5

Sublime

Sublime

The “Ed” guy is in this one, I only bothered to remember his name cuz I’m writing this, Thomas Cavanagh. On his 40th birthday George Grieves (Cavanagh) has to go for a routine medical procedure. Before that his family, wife, brother, daughter and son and some friends come to celebrate his birthday.

Then I don’t know what happens. He goes to the hospital to get this procedure done, there’s this hot nurse then he wakes up the and the doctor tells him that there was a mix up and that the procedure meant for him was done to another patient with a same sounding last name.

Here on out, all he does is lie in bed, hallucinate? And think about the birthday party, his wife and kids come to visit and I think he thinks that the wife is fuckin the doctor who made the mistake then he fucks the hot nurse, she helps him go to this place “abandoned” place and look for his medical file. And then she wheels him back to his room?? Which takes a really long time and he gets to see all this gruesome stuff and also his wife fuckin Dr. Mistake. The scene slightly resembles a scene from Jacob’s Ladder.

Then there’s this black male nurse who kills the patient in the next bed?? Okay, all these ?? is because I have no idea if the dude is hallucinating or all this shit is really happening and then the black dude wants to kill him too.

Okay, if you really want to know the rest and you think you have more patience than me to sit through movies like this then RENT IT! Cuz it’s a direct-to-DVD movie anyways!!

The only thing that didn’t make it SUCH a BIG waste of my time was his cute brother, Billy (David Clayton Rogers) and to show you why, here's a picture!



The movie’s tagline is, “Maybe... if you spend your life worrying... then the only way that your life will have meaning is if what you fear becomes real” maybe this will give you some insight on that the fuck is goin on.


1 ½ pills out of 5

Smokin' Aces

Smokin' Aces

Smokin’ Aces was so fun to watch even though half the time I had no idea what was goin on…but who cares!? Its Ryan Reynolds for fuck’s sake! Anyways! There were other actors in there like Andy Garcia who’s character keeps you guessing whether he’s in on the whole thing, Ray Liotta who looks a whole lot better than he did in Revolver, he just looked 'ugh' in that, I've always thought that he had the most beautiful eyes and its still apparent even though everything else is wrinkled, Ben ‘Fat’ Affleck who as usual looks like he’s acting and he knows the camera’s there, Peter Berg who got really old! Very unlike dry sarcastic totally cute and unfeeling Dr. Billy Kronk we are all used to, Jason Bateman who in recent times just loves poking fun at himself, Jeremy Piven who makes it so easy to hate him, I might almost bet my last cigarette he’s a wife-beater!, Matthew Fox who’s almost unrecognizable but I recognized him! There can’t be someone else with that sharp nose and straight jaw! Nestor Carbonell, who has come a looooong way from his Suddenly Susan days. Alicia Keys, okay I have nothing to say about her.


Anyways! Did I say Ryan Reynolds already?!?! Ahh…brings me back to secondary school days, Two Guys A Girl And A Pizza Place and entire exercise books filled with Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds...okay, you get the picture!

I swear I earnestly and diligently tried to watch the movie with an uninformed movie-goer’s perspective but I just couldn’t help but sigh every time he came onscreen! So pardon me if I didn’t get what the heck was goin on but this is what I remember…..

Piven is a magician and a junkie. A magical junkie!
Liotta is *sigh* Reynold’s partner
Everybody wants Piven dead (Can’t really blame them)
There are like 5 contract killers hired by some big mafia boss for the hit
There is no love interest for *sigh* Reynold’s character, yay!!

Oh and *sigh* Reynold’s character is a cop, forgot that for a second there!

4 pills out of 5


All for Reynolds! Biased, yes I know, but I don’t give a fuck!


And this is just so I can drool somemore! This is strictly for my benefit! And yours too, so you know who to stay off!