Reel-Prozac

Choke

2009-01-30T20:07:00.003+08:00

Why I watched this movie: Sam Rockwell.

Victor (Rockwell) is a sex addict, his mother (Anjelica Huston, I love her) is in a mental institution because she’s got amnesia. Victor’s childhood is spent following his mum around and doing stuff, sometimes illegal stuff and he learns from that. Is that what made him a sex addict? Go figure. Victor is on a quest to find out who his father is and poor Ida in her state of amnesia can’t even remember who Victor is. Which is where best friend Denny is roped in.

I love Sam Rockwell. That sleepyheaded voice, that look he has like everyone around him is crazy, that six o’ clock shadow and just that laid back kinda guy attitude. Like this is this, so fuck it.

Anyhoo, I digress, Victor plays along with his mother’s amnesia, when she thinks, he’s the lawyer and she thinks he’s God knows who….

Oh and Victor is the backbone of Colonial America. : )

You’d just have to watch to find out.

Prominent line: “I mean please, even the worse blowjob is better than say sniffing the greatest rose or watching the greatest sunset.”

4 and a half pills out of 5.

Snow Angels

2009-01-30T19:43:00.002+08:00

Why I watched it: Sam Rockwell.

What it is about: A small town where people’s lives crosses. Annie was/is married to Glenn but along the way somewhere, Glenn fucked up but nonetheless, they have a have a baby daughter together, whom Glenn tries to see as often as possible. Though its not clearly indicated, the pretty obvious that Glenn had a drinking problem (who can blame him, really? It gets the best of us”

Arthur – a kid at school who’s dad left. Annie used to baby-sit Arthur and now they all work together in a Chinese restaurant. Annie, Arthur and their friend Barb. When Glenn moves back into the small town back in his parents place, I think we can safely assume, he has done his time or been to AA or rehab or something like that…

Its depressing, this movie…..yet another reminder that nothing truly works out….that bad things happen to good people or at least people who are trying….its a never ending vicious cycle that just keeps going on and on…and you just stand there and take the blows until you fall face first. Then its your choice, if you want to get up for the next round of blows and they don’t tell you that this time around its gonna be lighter, its gonna be better, you just get up, unawares and it all comes raining down again.

That is…..until you decide to choose…

3 pills out of 5

Auto Focus

2008-12-07T21:42:00.004+08:00

I loved this movie maybe because I’m starting to love Greg Kinnear, and not in a I want to fuck him way but in a woah, this dude is really good at what he doesv way. Auto Focus is pretty much about Bob Crane, yes the dude from Hogan Heroes, yes, the cute one who wore a hat. I remember watching Hogan’s Heroes everyday at 3pm when I was much much younger and the world was a nicer place, it was the same time slot where they played Gomer Pyle, Petticoat Junction, I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched. Unfortunately, M.A.S.H was screened at 11pm and I was in bed by then, damn fuckin schoolgirl rules.

Anyhoo, I digress. In my opinion Kinnear saved Auto Focus, yeah, so Crane sorta had a porn video collection, pictures and what not but I reckon that was his own business. The movie basically puts the blame of his downfall and his burning out on his “extra circular activities”. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t…..I’m not one to judge but I reckon there must have been a lot more shit at work….but it’s a movie and that’s okay, considering at that time (the 60’s), it was mostly frowned upon, if it was here and now, he’d be on www.superficial.com like almost everyday and everyone would just go, yeah that Crane, he’s fuckin maniac.

Crane is dead by the way, murdered, everyone and yes even I think it was John Carpenter……his then best friend….if you get the DVD, there’s even like a documentary on the trial and the evidence, they also keep flashing a picture of Crane’s bloody bludgeoned head, watch that if you’re into that kinda thing. You can actually just google Bob Crane and you’ll get that picture.

John Carpenter. Willem Dafoe. Now Dafoe seems to be good in just about anything he does, sometimes a little too good and he’s got that face….that “You know I’m up to something…..something bad.” face. I honestly don’t think he can help it, it just his face and he also has a flair for the dramatics…if you watched Tropic Thunder you would have seen Ben Stiller totally spoof DaFoe’s glorified execution in Platoon, yes the same one when he’s on his knees, arms in the air and everything is in slow mo. Drama at its best. DaFoe in Auto Focus…….his role did not require much shall we say….talent…but nonetheless he came through, like he always does. Excellent casting!!

If I was asked who would have made a good Bob Crane, Kinnear wouldn’t have even crossed my mind but now that I’ve watched it, I can’t think of anyone else for the role. He aced it. He was perfect. He was Bob Crane.

4 Pills Out Of 5

Feast Of Love

2008-08-17T17:09:00.004+08:00

It took me a good whole month to watch this movie, mostly because David Duchovny proved to be more of an attention keeper than Greg Kinnear, Morgan Freeman, Billy Burke and the terribly pretty Toby Hemingway all put together. Go Duchovny!!

Anyhoo, Kinnear is married to Blair, Selma that is, I forget what her character’s name was and I really could give a shit, I think by this point, you can pretty much tell how much I enjoyed watching the rest of this movie….

So I was saying….yeah, Kinnear is what some people would call a hopeless romantic/ hopeful romantic? Blair decides after a couple years of marriage to the sappy Kinnear that she likes girls better and runs off to fulfill her lesbian dreams. Heartbroken and clueless, Kinnear confides in everyone’s favorite ol’ wise man, Freeman. Go Freeman!!

Oh god, I really don’t want to write a review on this movie so I’m just gonna stop while I’m ahead. If you’re feeling sentimental, sappy and like love is the answer to all your problems then watch this movie, if not, just keep staring and drooling at Duchovny.

The tagline after all is “A story for anyone with an appetite for love.” And I just threw up lunch.

Quarter A Pill Out Of 5

The Heartbreak Kid

2008-05-15T00:13:00.005+08:00

I was surprised when I liked this movie, I figured it'd be one of those typical romantic comedies, I’m not saying its not but it’s a little more bearable.

So……Eddie Cantrow (Stiller) is a 40 year old bachelor whose reasons for not getting married are she doesn’t like my fantasy football league, she never shares her food, she doesn’t try anything new, and the ultimate………..she hates Caddyshack cuz she said the gopher looks fake.
While attending his ex-fiance’s wedding on valentine’s day, Cantrow starts to feel it, of course with a lil help from Daddy dearest (Stiller Snr – Jerry Stiller) and the required “happily” married male friend.

Eddie meets Lila after he tries to unsuccessfully retrieve her purse from a snatch thief. They get married and honeymoon in Cabo. Eddie meets Miranda (Michelle Monaghan, yes that pretty dark haired girl from gone baby gone) and her family. Now he just has to decide between the two.

You can’t help but feel for Lila at some point, although the Farrelly brothers go to extremes to make her seem just simply gross and crazy, you can kind of relate to her on some level. She’s a Volunteer Environmental Researcher by the way and has a deviated septum. She also wants him to hold her hand while they eat breakfast and then proceeds to start off a conversation about whether he thinks she's too hairy down there and if he wanted she could get rid of it and he'll be able to see her "kitty ring" better!

She likes rough sex knows of sex positions called Verti Cross Screw and Swedish Helicopter and says things like “Cock me, Hit Me”, “Fuck me like a black man”.

A conversation during sex:

Lila: JackHammer me, JackHammer me, JackHammer me!
Eddie: Can we try missionary position?
Lila: What's that? Can you pile drive me from that position?

This is the list of songs that Lila sings during the car ride to Cabo. Eddie sings along to only the first song.

Bruce Springsteen - Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)
Gloria Estefan - Conga
Blondie - Rapture
Barry Manilow - Ready to Take a Chance Again
Spice Girls - Wannabe
Captain & Tennille - Muskrat Love

Overall, it’s a sweet movie but everybody knows that the men in movies are nothing like the men in real life but it always nice to have a teensy weensy bit of false hope. If anything, this movie is worth watching just for the 2 worded ending, Fuck me.

3 pills out of 5

Gone Baby Gone

2008-04-08T02:50:00.001+08:00

Who would have thought that tubby Ben Affleck had in him to write and direct something like Gone Baby Gone. I obviously only watched it for Casey Affleck but nonetheless, it was quite a watch it was! Patrick Kenzie (C. Affleck) is a private detective in a small town where he grew up and currently lives with his girlfriend, Angie Gennaro (Michelle Monaghan), apparently, she’s been in The Bourne Supremacy, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Mr. & Mrs. Smith and uncredited in Constantine.

Anyhoo! 4 year old Amanda McCready has gone missing and her doped up mother doesn’t seem to give a shit, the cops are everywhere, investigations are being carried out but her sister-in-law thinks hiring private detectives would help, so off she goes to hire the PI love birds, only Angie isn’t so big on doing a case like this cuz she doesn’t want to find a dead 4-year old. Nevertheless, the soft-spoken Kenzie convinces her otherwise and away they go on their journey!

And guess who they meet on this fantastical journey?? Morgan Freeman, of course! Everyone knows that no journey would be complete with Mr. Freeman! This time he is in the pissed form of Capt. Jack Doyle. Capt. Doyle lost his daughter not long before so he seems extremely determined not to fail, along comes a toughed up Ed Harris as Det. Remy Bressant who proceeds to question Helene McCready (Amy Ryan), lil Amanda’s mama and well just do the cop’s job. While all this investigating is goin on, the PI love birds tag along on most the investigations with some…….shall we say implications?
Let’s just say it not what you would expect it to be, there’s quite an interesting twist and since it’s a “No Spoilers Guaranteed” blog, I’m making it the perfect excuse for being just plain lazy!!

3 1/2 pills out of 5

2008-04-03T15:23:00.000+08:00

Yes I know the blog looks terrible! I'm tryin to fix it but I've been raped of time yet again...

2008-03-04T01:36:00.001+08:00

Fuck you. Yes you. If you're wondering if its you, yes, its you.

The cruelest revenge of a woman is to remain faithful to a man.

Why You Shouldn't Watch Rambo 4

2008-01-31T21:01:00.000+08:00

Need I say more?

30 Days Of Night

2008-01-16T15:25:00.000+08:00

I wanted to watch this movie and I did. Now I know you’re thinking, here’s when she starts cussing….okay, maybe a lil, but fuck! Vampires aren’t supposed to look like aliens with sharp teeth! I mean come on!

There’s this town in Alaska where the sun doesn’t come up for 30 days, so the vampires think, “Hey dudes! Perfect for us, cowabunga dudes!!” They don’t speak English, by the way, they speak some ancient gibberish or rather they snarl some ancient gibberish. Prior to their arrival to this town, they sent forth kinda like a…..human pre-destroyer, who comes in the form of the terribly talented and not to mention cute Ben Foster, so then does some stuff and kills all the poor cute sled dogs!!

Josh Hartnett (Eben but it sure as hell sounds like everyone calls him Evan, don’t ask me why, I was too hung up on vampires looking like aliens) is the sheriff. Sheriff’s aren’t that young right?

Female lead is Melissa George (Stella), who was also in 2005’s The Amityville Horror, she remember cuz she was Ryan Reynold’s wife in that movie! (Hmph!). Wait, so anyway, they’re not speaking or whatever and she wants to get out of town on the last day of light and SURPRISINGLY, she doesn’t make it on time and has to stay in town. Let the awkward non-speaking but just happen to be in the same room three quarters of the time begin!!

Do I really need to tell you the rest?

• Vampires take over the town
• Kills almost everyone except a few who hide out in someone’s attic (Let the awkward non-speaking but living in tight spaces begin!!)
• They realize they can’t stay there for long, there’s no food or supplies.
• They make it to the town’s supply store.
• Stella can’t come out from under a truck cuz the vampires are everywhere around her and burning the town down.
• I’m tired, go watch the movie.

It’s kinda sad, I liked the ending.

And since you are buncha lazies, I found out that in actual fact, in Barrow, Alaska, the sun doesn’t come out for 65 days! And it’s not like it just doesn’t show, it shows but makes it stay a little shorter day by day. The warmest time is July, where it’s all of 8 degrees Celsius!

2 pills out of 5

Joshua

2008-01-16T04:16:00.000+08:00

Hellllloooooooo, my non-existent readers! I've returned to you after a looong hiatus! (Blame suicidal tendencies, my full-time job of pissing everyone i know off, the damn holidays, an excess of sleeping pills and cough mixture, a lack of prozac and the PS3!) While my absence may not have made your heart grow fonder, I'm sure it made your shit a lot more stinky-er, don't tell me that's not an actual word, I just used, so it is.

Joshua is an evil child, not evil like say maybe Jason Voorhees but more of an Aaron Stampler/Roy type of evil. At the arrival of his new sister, Lily, Joshua (who as it is portrayed by his parents for the audience was always a little weird to begin with) begins to question “what was I like as baby?” His mother, Abby, played by Vera Farmiga, who was in a couple of movies like Autumn in New York, 15 Minutes, Breaking and Entering and The Departed but her performances in those movies were so startlingly brilliant that I can’t for the life of me remember seeing her in any of them. Anyhoo, she, from what the viewer’s gathers, suffered from post natal depression when she had Joshua but insists she’s fine this time around.

Daddy, (the reason this movie was watched in the first place) is of course, Sam Rockwell, the well-meaning father and stockbroker who puts up with his wife’s shall we say, inconsistencies, with patience and kindness (men like this don’t exist in real life, by the way).

So Joshua or rather sport, buddy, pal as Daddy refers to him by, comes to find out that his birth wasn’t such a great happy thing for Mommy and plans to make everyone feel the same way about his new sister. How this entails, you must watch the movie!

But here are my thoughts:

• Mum made it really easy for me to hate her, she didn’t like Daddy’s dog, Buster, didn’t like Daddy’s mum who just really trying to help out. There is always an alternative to yelling, screaming, throwing stuff and hurling vulgarities if you’re upset.

• Maybe Farmiga didn’t really portray depressed really well but you get the feeling, she’s just using it as an excuse not to be a mother. And you just don’t feel for her.

• At some point in time, you start to feel the helplessness of Daddy and makes you never want to have your own, in case he/she/it might be that one a million, child psychopathic killer.

2 1/2 Pills Out Of Five

Girlfriend

2007-12-12T05:03:00.001+08:00

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

My Result: Amorous Adventurer

Carefree and fun, you are easily excited when it comes to new experiences — and that includes relationships. It's not that you see boyfriends as frivolous pursuits, but you enjoy the art of the chase, and you work to make sure that long-term relationships maintain that sense of adventure and surprise.

You may not be the type of girlfriend who spends every waking hour with her man, but that doesn't mean you're not thinking about him. You're just an independent woman, and it's important for you to feel challenged and creative in most things you do. That's what makes any relationship an adventure.

Take this test >

Dream Man

2007-12-12T04:37:00.001+08:00

Who's the Man of Your Dreams?

My Result: A Rebel with a Cause

Just because he's a rebel doesn't mean he's a bad boy. An adventurous and strong soul like you is looking for that special guy who's got a wild streak and a cause worth fighting for. We bet almost nothing turns you on more than standing up for what you believe in and seeing others do the same.

After all, you're not the kind of girl who's gonna settle for anything less than the best. So keep on following your heart — it'll help you find exactly what you're looking for. You rebel!

Take this test >

In The Land Of Women

2007-08-27T12:07:00.000+08:00

Adam Brody is cute in a ‘I Have A Weird Voice Intonation’ sorta way. Anyway, Carter Webb (Brody) gets dumped by his girlfriend Sophie who I’m sure I’ve seen somewhere else besides Van Helsing, so she dumps him and the poor baby cries like in a really heart wrenching sorta way then when thats over, he walks out of the diner puts on those terribly sexy aviator sunglasses and sticks a cigarette in his mouth and even though he’s still dragging his way to his car so half-assed, you forgot her pathetic reasons for dumping him.

Anyway! So his gramma thinks she's dying, he decides to go see her and look after her as opposed to his mum. And across from gramma Phyllis lives Sarah (Meg Ryan), Lucy (The Pretty Kristen Stewart) and her little sister Paige.

* Sarah & Carter take walks.
* Carter is a soft core porn writer.
* Sarah tells Lucy to take Carter out for a movie cuz it'll be a nice thing to do for the new dude in the neighborhood.
* Lucy hates Sarah
* Gramma by far the funniest woman, she says stuff like "Who's Gives A Shit" and flips people off.

* Sarah is sick.
* Sarah knows that her husband is cheating on her.
* Lucy's apparent boyfriend can't wait for her to put out so he fucks her bestfriend.
* There a guy with a gap in his front teeth that has the hots for Lucy.
* Lucy takes Carter to a party.

And well, you just have to watch the rest to know it!

3 pills out of 5

Sunshine

2007-08-04T13:11:00.000+08:00

This is a spacey movie. Space, gravity, the sun, astronauts, scientists, Chinese, Japanese and most importantly Cillian Murphy’s beautiful magnetic baby blues!!

In the future the sun is weaken as a result Earth will enter an ice ace so the geniuses on Earth sends an spaceship called the Icarus II to space to release a gigantic bomb to re-ignite the Sun, yes, that’s possible in 2057.

There was an Icarus I which was sent earlier but it lost all contact, Icarus II finds Icarus I along their course. At this point there was a fuck up on Icarus II which makes them lose their oxygen supply and one part of the ship is exposed to the Sun or something like that!

So anyway, they go on Icarus I to check out what happened and if there are supplies there they can use, all make it back except one.

Then they unknowingly bring back an unwanted visitor from Icarus I, this guy is like seriously sun damaged and it prolly got to his brain too.

Then blah blah blah blah! The thing is if the mission does fail, then Earth can kiss her mama’s ass goodbye!

I seemed to have developed a little problem where if there’s someone as mesmerizing as Murphy on screen, I can’t just really concentrate on what the hell is happening so pardon the not so informative breakdown.

And I swear, I was trying my damndest to focus but damn that dark hair and those bluest blue eyes!!

Interesting fact: Though raised Catholic before turning agnostic in his teens, Murphy ultimately became an atheist after researching his role as a nuclear physicist/astronaut in the science fiction film Sunshine.

3 Pills Out Of 5

Case In Point:

This Would Have Helped:

Buscemi!!

2007-05-23T15:56:00.000+08:00

Movies I have watched recently but I’m just too damned lazy to review!

Monty Python’s The Life Of Brian
Monty Python’s And Now For Something Completely Different
Towering Inferno
The Most Unromantic Man In The World
The Dreamers
Fargo
Lonesome Jim
Gerry
Erik The Viking
Matchstick Men

And because they’re pretty, here Steve Buscemi’s thin long fingers!

Oldboy

2007-05-22T13:56:00.000+08:00

Reasons to watch oldboy

• Has a wonderful soundtrack!
• Is nicely shot
• Has a cute little white dog
• The “Villain” Woo Jin is quite an entertaining character
• These people speak funny!
• Watch a man eat a raw octopus
• Characters try and outwit each other
• Transformation of characters when they were younger to the present
• Fascinating fight scenes
• There’s a rapid head shaking scene that looks straight out of 1990’s Jacob’s Ladder
• Last but not least, James *recommends it! (*insists or the threats will come!)
• This movie has all the things we love and hold dear to our black black hearts! Please see below.

4 out of 5 pills

And now I would like to take this opportunity to introduce my alter ego that has been hiding inside me for sooooooooooooo long! Please meet:

Monstrous abnormal nasty insane creature! In short M.A.N.I.C

Foolproof

2007-05-16T22:02:00.000+08:00

I only watched this movie only cuz Ryan Reynolds was in it….It was okay….Here it goes without any pauses:

Reynolds works in an insurance firm and then there’s this girl and this other guy and in their free time they figure how to crack security systems and then there’s this mafia guy who steals their plan that they never planned to actually carry out cuz they only do for the challenge so the mafia guy actually goes through with the plan and succeeds and then he wants them to do like a big heist, Ocean’s 11 style or he’ll send the blueprint of their plans to the police with their fingerprints on it.

I would usually hate any chick that you know…..would be the love interest of my dearest Reynolds but this girl I can stand…cuz she’s not that pretty anyways!

I couldn’t find pictures of the other guy “Rob” but he’s kinda cute in a goofy way….but here’s the unattractive love interest!

2 ½ pills out of 5

Dirty Deeds

2007-05-08T14:12:00.000+08:00

Milo Ventimiglia is cute but watching Dirty Deeds just didn’t do it for me, too high school, too not funny, too predictable. And the kids don’t even get in any real trouble which makes it all the more unrealistic.

Its like high school is everything and I mean come on….seriously, he doesn’t look like he’s in high school! Lacey Chabert doesn’t really make much of an impression cuz she she doesn’t say much or just says really banal things, the only time I looked up from my nails when she was in the scene was at the end, where she laughed.

If that is laughter then…..the grunts and squeals of a pig deserve a Grammy.

The only reason I watched this movie was Milo Ventimiglia but if you don’t like him or his cleft lip or his dry one-liners then don’t watch, just paint your nails with precision.

½ a pill of out 5

9 Songs

2007-04-27T21:47:00.000+08:00

9 Songs

Watching people having endless sex isn’t as appealing as I thought it would be, especially when that thing is supposed to be a woman. At one time she actually pokes fun at herself while in the nude, asking the dude if she looks like a boy.

So anyways, the movie just follows these two through their concert-going, having sex in the kitchen, having sex in the dining room, having sex in a hotel room, having sex at random times of the day. Just basically fucking, you get the point. Oh and snorting.

And yeah, that’s about it and that she’s cranky about her tea and for fuck’s sake she’s a yankee he’s the brit!!

Oh and there are some scenes where the dude is in Alaska?!

Whatever man….I’d rather watch imaginary martians doing the cha-cha on my ceiling….wait, they’re not imaginary!!

Now how many girls can say that did not enjoy watching random sex scenes for over an hour and has actual martians dancing on their ceilings?!? Just ME, that's how many!

No pills out of 5. But here’s a pile of very deserving turtle excrement!

Maybe it would have been bearable if they weren’t so hard to look at and by that I mean look like porn stars! Those people were built for that!

Helter Skelter

2007-04-25T18:52:00.000+08:00

Helter Skelter

I actually went looking for this movie cuz I was wondering what the hell happened to Jeremy Davies! Its been soooooooooo long since I’d seen him in anything! Anyway, I discovered Helter Skelter!

And what a discovery it was! Ooooh! Jeremy Davies! My dear Chaps would prolly remember him as mild-mannered Upham in Saving Private Ryan. Anyways! As the title suggests its about no, not the Beatles! But Charlie Manson and yes, Davies plays Manson! The movie surrounds the little family that Manson created and how they all adore and are in awe of him, in short, they think he’s Jesus.

But what’s a Manson movie without the Tate-LaBianca murders and how he conspired them but didn’t directly participate.

Linda Kasabian played by Clea Duvall is a young lady who joins the Manson family, she has a young daughter. Upon arrival, her daughter is taken away from her as well as all her possessions, this is as Charles instructed. As Linda sits down to her first meal with the Mansons, she’s cautioned by Susan "Sadie" Atkins played by the pretty Marguerite Moreau “Charlie says women must only eat after the dogs have eaten.”

Linda gets with Manson, she tells one of the girls “its like he sees through me”. Linda also accompanies members of the family for their variety of murder sprees. She then tries to escape as the reality of the murders hit her and the rest, well go watch it and you’ll know the rest!

3 ½ pills out of 5

Sublime

2007-04-25T17:15:00.000+08:00

Sublime

The “Ed” guy is in this one, I only bothered to remember his name cuz I’m writing this, Thomas Cavanagh. On his 40th birthday George Grieves (Cavanagh) has to go for a routine medical procedure. Before that his family, wife, brother, daughter and son and some friends come to celebrate his birthday.

Then I don’t know what happens. He goes to the hospital to get this procedure done, there’s this hot nurse then he wakes up the and the doctor tells him that there was a mix up and that the procedure meant for him was done to another patient with a same sounding last name.

Here on out, all he does is lie in bed, hallucinate? And think about the birthday party, his wife and kids come to visit and I think he thinks that the wife is fuckin the doctor who made the mistake then he fucks the hot nurse, she helps him go to this place “abandoned” place and look for his medical file. And then she wheels him back to his room?? Which takes a really long time and he gets to see all this gruesome stuff and also his wife fuckin Dr. Mistake. The scene slightly resembles a scene from Jacob’s Ladder.

Then there’s this black male nurse who kills the patient in the next bed?? Okay, all these ?? is because I have no idea if the dude is hallucinating or all this shit is really happening and then the black dude wants to kill him too.

Okay, if you really want to know the rest and you think you have more patience than me to sit through movies like this then RENT IT! Cuz it’s a direct-to-DVD movie anyways!!

The only thing that didn’t make it SUCH a BIG waste of my time was his cute brother, Billy (David Clayton Rogers) and to show you why, here's a picture!

The movie’s tagline is, “Maybe... if you spend your life worrying... then the only way that your life will have meaning is if what you fear becomes real” maybe this will give you some insight on that the fuck is goin on.

1 ½ pills out of 5

Smokin' Aces

2007-04-25T15:56:00.000+08:00

Smokin' Aces

Smokin’ Aces was so fun to watch even though half the time I had no idea what was goin on…but who cares!? Its Ryan Reynolds for fuck’s sake! Anyways! There were other actors in there like Andy Garcia who’s character keeps you guessing whether he’s in on the whole thing, Ray Liotta who looks a whole lot better than he did in Revolver, he just looked 'ugh' in that, I've always thought that he had the most beautiful eyes and its still apparent even though everything else is wrinkled, Ben ‘Fat’ Affleck who as usual looks like he’s acting and he knows the camera’s there, Peter Berg who got really old! Very unlike dry sarcastic totally cute and unfeeling Dr. Billy Kronk we are all used to, Jason Bateman who in recent times just loves poking fun at himself, Jeremy Piven who makes it so easy to hate him, I might almost bet my last cigarette he’s a wife-beater!, Matthew Fox who’s almost unrecognizable but I recognized him! There can’t be someone else with that sharp nose and straight jaw! Nestor Carbonell, who has come a looooong way from his Suddenly Susan days. Alicia Keys, okay I have nothing to say about her.

Anyways! Did I say Ryan Reynolds already?!?! Ahh…brings me back to secondary school days, Two Guys A Girl And A Pizza Place and entire exercise books filled with Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds...okay, you get the picture!

I swear I earnestly and diligently tried to watch the movie with an uninformed movie-goer’s perspective but I just couldn’t help but sigh every time he came onscreen! So pardon me if I didn’t get what the heck was goin on but this is what I remember…..

Piven is a magician and a junkie. A magical junkie!
Liotta is *sigh* Reynold’s partner
Everybody wants Piven dead (Can’t really blame them)
There are like 5 contract killers hired by some big mafia boss for the hit
There is no love interest for *sigh* Reynold’s character, yay!!

Oh and *sigh* Reynold’s character is a cop, forgot that for a second there!

4 pills out of 5

All for Reynolds! Biased, yes I know, but I don’t give a fuck!

And this is just so I can drool somemore! This is strictly for my benefit! And yours too, so you know who to stay off!

The Good Shepherd

2007-03-27T00:29:00.000+08:00

The Good Shepherd

I was lost the first two hours of this movie and I kept getting irritated because I did not know what the hell was going on but I chose to persevere and muddled my way through it!

I think my perseverance paid off and I was nicely rewarded with some light on the matter. Okay, first let me just say that I’m still not entirely sure of what was going on even after watching the movie but since I watched it and you’re here to read my opinion on it, deal with it!

I won’t call it boring but its……..confusing. There is no warning when you are taken back to the past and because there is no obvious change in the character (clothes, hairstyle, a younger looking face) or the look and feel of the film (black and white, sepia, spots), you are not sure if the scene is taking place in the present or the past and because it is so, you need to seriously pay attention to what is being said. But then again, that is really hard to do because when people from the C.I.A talk, its so fuckin soft, that your heart thumping in your chest is louder.

Okay, back to the movie, so Matt Damon plays this Edward Wilson guy who meets this hearing challenged girl and they go out then he fucks Jolie (Clover) and gets her pregnant the first time, hurrah!

So he has to marry her “because it’s the right thing to do”. Then he disappears for like 6 years and we get to see people in long overcoats and hats talking in dark shadowy places using words that don’t go together in hushed whispers. These people are De Niro who also doubles up as director, William Hurt, Alec Baldwin, Billy Crudup with a put on, see through British accent.

So blah blah, and then Edward has to choose between his loyalty to his country or his family. Don’t ask me why, I won’t tell!!

A few things to look out for:

• Timothy Hutton!!! As Wilson’s dad.

• The conversation between Wilson’s character and Joseph Palmi (Joe Pesci) who only shows his face for this conversation:

Palmi: Let me ask you sumthin,
We Italians we got our families and we got the church.
The Irish they have their homeland.
The jews, their tradition, even the niggers, they got their music.
What about you people Mr. Carlson, what do you have?

Wilson: The United States of America, the rest of you are just visiting.
• Another conversation.

Hayes: I remember a senator once asked me, when we talk about C.I.A, why we never used the word ‘the’ in front of it. And I asked him do you put the word ‘the’ in front of God?

I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about because I say THE C.I.A.

2 pills out of 5 pills

Hannibal Rising

2007-03-26T21:36:00.000+08:00

Hannibal Rising

This movie documents the beginning of Hannibal Lecter from a young boy to a pubescent boy to the person we see in Silence of the Lambs.

While it would be interesting to fans or people who have watched the previous offerings, it might be a tad bit dry, slow and boring to those who don’t.

While the lead actor Gaspard Ulliel seems too goody two shoes to be playing Hannibal Lecter, he doesn’t fair too badly, even though his motive is vengeance, he seems to enjoy and relish every minute of it….but then there’s Gong Li who I last saw in “Miami Vice”. Of course I only watched the first 10 minutes because farrell and foxx stank (see how they didn’t deserve to be in capital letters there!). I could actually whiff major major B.O coming off my screen! I absolutely had to turn it off or risk being suffocated by the stench of wannabes and bad acting!

Anyway! Where was I? Right Gong Li! When my dear chappy when to watch Miami Vice in the theatres (yes, she paid real money for it), she told me that every time Gong Li said something, she was thinking “What the fuck did she just say?!?!”.

And not surprisingly, she was incoherent in this movie too. I’ll just come out and say it because we are thinking it but no one can find his or rather her balls (ok! Whatever, Lene!)

Dumb ignorant chink whore.

There! And don’t pretend you were not thinking exactly the same thing! I know! I’m telepathic!

And another thing, she’s playing a Japanese woman. See, you really can’t tell them apart.

Umm…yes the movie!

Things I found out so you don’t have to!

• Family lived in Lithuania in a castle
• Had a younger sister who was eaten by who else, but Nazi soldiers
• Beheaded first victim (a butcher) but did not eat him
• Sister was chosen because according to the “medical expert” present, she had pneumonia and was going to die anyway.
• 2nd victim was also beheaded but this time Lecter ate his cheeks

And more thing, am I the only one who realizes that Hannibal rhymes with cannibal? What is that about?

2 pills out of 5

Upcoming reviews

2007-03-26T18:37:00.000+08:00

Watch this space for reviews of:

Hannibal Rising

The Chronicles of Narnia - The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.

And I mean it, watch this space like now....

Keep watching....

Keeeppp watchin..

Don't stop now...

If you got this far then you are either extremely bored or like me you are slightly mad and delirious from addictive substances! Congratulations to us!! We must now proceed to conquer and overthrow the rational, sensible, conventional and normal folks who live only in my wonderfully deceitful brain!! Come one and all!!

Funny Money

2007-03-25T01:37:00.000+08:00

Funny Money

Chevy Chase looks old with hanging jowls and all…I found this movie irritating, stupid and painful to watch…it was meant to be a comedy but it fell far far from the intended tree.

The characters are made to look dim-witted and unintelligent…..the scenes and storyline wouldn’t have lasted 3 minutes in real life…cops are not that dumb, people are not that withstanding..

I watched this movie so you wouldn’t have to, you owe me big time.

This is how it goes.

Chevy Chase lands a briefcase filled with 5 million dollars by accidentally switching the identical briefcase with someone on the subway. The people who own (gangsters, mob, who ever the fuck), wants it back, Armand Assante is a detective that saw Chase in a bar behaving strangely so he go to Chase’s house to ask him why he was behaving strangely, Chase was counting the money in bar’s john, Chase offers to bribe him when he tells Chase he does not believe his story.

Chase’s wife Penelope Ann Miller is a sculptor who never had to the guts to display her work, that afternoon she bumps into some woman who owns a gallery or something and the lady offers to pay her a visit to see her sculptures.

The mobsters kills the guy who brought the wrong briefcase cuz it was payment for something..I don’t what and I don’t intend to find out. Because Chase’s briefcase was with the dead guy, the cops assume it was Chase who died. Enter rookie cop who arrives at the house to inform the wife that her husband was found dead in the river, while he’s actually in the kitchen bribing the cop….okay I can’t go on because then I might as well dictate the entire movie.

So yeah.

¼ a pill out of five

Club Dread

2007-03-25T00:59:00.000+08:00

Club Dread

This is your typical young people “horror” movie with tits and asses and fucking in every other scene.

Kids on spring break go to “Pleasure Island” to do whatever it is they do on spring break……but SUDDENLY, the island’s staff show up dead in one way or another.

So while everybody is fucking each other they’re also trying to find out who’s the culprit..

Bill Paxton is in this movie, don’t ask me why…but it was a breath of fresh air to see him play a stoned out hippie. (And he also owns the island).

Its fun to watch if you’re too mentally strained from watching intelligent movies with substance, if you’re actually looking for a movie with more ‘oomph’ then please for the sake of your sanity, please give this movie a pass.

½ a pill out of 5

Harsh Times

2007-03-23T18:40:00.000+08:00

Harsh Times

I couldn’t really hear much of the conversation because the “doof doof” music was too loud for most of the initial part of the movie and there are a lot of conversations that need to be paid attention to get what’s going on..

This is how I saw it….latino guy is friends with a white dude who speaks Spanish or whatever the fuck..they say ‘shit’ a lot…both jobless latino guy fucking stupid whore Eva ‘short ass’ longoria…white guy was in the army or something…got a lil fucked up in the head…short ass doesn’t like white guy, thinks that white guy is a bad influence for latino guy..

White guy is fuckin some Mexican broad…white guy gets rejected by the LAPD for a job but gets accepted by homeland security who will send him to Cuba for some tough shit, latino guy gets a job that pays $12 an hour, short ass is very happy.

White guy, latino guy and some other guy go to Mexico to celebrate or commemorate white guy’s goin away or whatever, white guy snaps….and the events that follows through are the repercussions of his actions.

There.

*they sound amateur with the way they talk....and someone like Mr. Bale just doesn't go with language, its just seems wrong...

2 pills out of 5

13 Tzameti

2007-03-23T18:04:00.000+08:00

13 Tzameti

This movie is interesting and very captivating even for someone who has no patience for foreign films that are not in English. The concept is in a sense shocking at the same time familiar .

Sébastien is a 22-year old man working on a house of a morphine addict, Godon. Godon dies of an overdose. As Sébastien is clearing out his things because Godon’s widow informs him that she cannot pay him, he overhears a conversation between the widow and the deceased’s friend describing a job that the deceased had lined up that would pay a hefty sum of money.

Unknowingly, Sébastien steals the envelope containing the instructions for the job, all the while he’s under police surveillance.

He begins his journey to one of the more ‘gruesome’ betting games. I can’t say more without spoiling it.

My take:

The subject matter is definitely more adult orientated.

The fact that the entire movie is in black and white gives it an artistic feel to it, making it for me, less grisly and more fanciful.

Interesting facts

Tzameti is the Georgian word for thirteen.

Gela Babluani (director) is Georgian.

13 Tzameti is the feature length directorial debut for Babluani, it is also the the acting debut of George Babluani, (younger brother of the director) who plays the film's protagonist Sébastien.

An American remake of the film is in the works, however Babluani intends to "change a lot of the storyline" and avoid reshooting the original film. He has also indicated that he intends to shoot the remake in color (Screening at the University of Notre Dame, 23 Feb 2007).

4 pills out of 5 pills

Employee of the Month

2007-03-20T12:46:00.000+08:00

Employee Of The Month

Vince has been employee of the month 17 times in a row, he intends to win it the 18th time but Zack has other plans. Zack is the typical loser, not climbing the ranks, lives with his grandma and is after the entirely fake Amy (Jessica Simpson).

Simpson is painful to watch, she’s a cheap cheap whore and it shows through and through. She’s got the most irritating voice and she’s always in some kind bust bursting outfit, I mean for fuck’s sake, could she be trying and harder?!?!

This movie became unbearable when she appeared and went downhill from there. The slight saving grace was Dax Shepard (the I like money guy from Idiocracy).

I do not recommend watching this movie, if you have time to kill and nothing better to do with your time, then okay, watch it.

1 pill out of 5.

Happy Feet

2007-03-19T22:18:00.000+08:00

Happy Feet

Mumble can’t sing but he can dance. In this animated penguin world, all penguins can sing except for mumble but mumble’s specialty is dancing, tap dancing!

He’s the only penguin who can’t sing and all the other penguins think it has something to do with the fact that his dad dropped the egg he was in while he was in it.

Mumble is cast out from the penguin’s clan because the elders’ think his dancing is causing the food supply (fish) to disappear. Mumble ventures into the world beyond the north pole to prove that the “aliens” (humans) are the ones stealing their food supply.

He manages to catch the attention of the humans with his tap dancing.

The walking and running are sooooo freaking cute!!

I figured it was Elijah Wood without even checking imdb!

3 pills out of 5 pills

Alpha Dog

2007-03-19T22:09:00.000+08:00

Alpha Dog

Ben Foster is so fuckin convincing as a totally drugged out rabid psychopathic junkie. This boy has talent written all over him.

There is this one scene where he takes on 8 to 9 people (men and women), one at the time of course, get a bottle broken over his head and then leaves asking the crowd to pass a message to Johnny Truelove.

Emile Hirsch is Johnny Truelove. Truelove is the guy who runs around with Jack Black’s styled facial hair.

Justin Timberlake has shaved armpits and that’s the cue for us girls to go: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Okay here it is:

Jake Mazursky’s (Foster) 15 year old half brother, Zack (Anton Yelchin) gets kidnapped by Johnny Truelove and his goons, the half brother is held as ransom but the kid is actually having a ball while he is being held prisoner.

Mazursky swears to get even with Truelove on the phone, as so:

No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I’m gonna hunt you down, I’m gonna hunt you down then I’m gonna slit your throat and then I’m gonna cut you open and then I’m gonna eat your muthfuckin heart. You better pray Johnny, you better fuckin pray that the cops find you before I do, get on your cock-sucking knees and praaaayyy!!!

Hello?”

Throughout the movie there is a witness count and you will see why there is a need for a count in the first place.

Emile Hirsch – Love struck neighbor from ‘Girl Next Door’

Ben Foster – Doesn’t really need an introduction but last seen as Warren Worthington III/Angel in X-Men 3, The Last Stand

Sharon Stone is the worried, anxious mother of Zack.

Paul Dano - Also from ‘Girl Next Door’ and brother (Dwanye) of (Olive) Abigail Breslin in “Little Miss Sunshine”.

Towards the end of the movie…there are a couple of scenes like in the car and on the cliff, you can pretty much tell and its pretty obvious that it’s a studio and not authentic. I don’t know what’s up with that…and Sharon Stone later on in a fat suit, what’s up with that?? Disgusting, like seriously.

3 ½ pills out of 5

Man Of The Year

2007-03-18T16:17:00.000+08:00

Man Of The Year

In a world where Robin Williams is president of the United States of America is a world that maybe, just maybe might be more entertaining and assuredly more chaotic.

Tom Dobbs (Williams) is the elected President of USA but only due to a computer glitch that is discovered by Eleanor Green (Laura Linney), an employee of the national touch-screen voting system Delacroy.

She quickly becomes an ex-employee and has her life turned upside down and inside out because of incriminating evidence she has against the company. While all this time she tries to tell Dobbs about this and is sometimes disliked by his party members and also disregarded at times by Dobbs himself.

When the information reaches him, it’s up to him to decide what he will do with it….and that’s all she wrote.

Christopher Walken rocks.

2 pills out of 5 pills

Let's Go To Prison

2007-03-16T21:07:00.000+08:00

Let's Go To Prison

I watched this movie right after “Blood & Chocolate” so……it was really good even though it would rated a little below average if it was watched at a different time frame. The story follows constantly incarcerated John Lyshitski played by Dax Shepard whom we fondly remember as the “I like money” guy in 2006’s Idiocracy.

John wants revenge on the judge who sentenced him on more than one occasion but alas the judge chooses to die before Lyshitski even gets his hands on him. Enter the judge’s son Nelson Biederman IV (Will Arnett), who quickly becomes Lyshitski’s new target.

Fast forward and both Biederman and Lyshitski are in prison and cell mates, the “fun” starts there.

My take:

Its not laugh out loud funny but its funny enough and Chi McBride is also in it and he is a funny black man. The ending credits is hilarious, remember to watch McBride during the credits!

Move This by Technotronic

Yo Come On Move This

Shake That Body

Shake That Body

People dont you know, dont you know

its about time

cant you hear the jam is pumpin

while you taste the piece of mine

many different flavours

and the spice is strong

get into the hot stuff

let me pour a little some

Baby let me show you how to do thiss

you ve gotta move this

youre doing fine

theres nothing to it

you gotta move this

come on and move this

shake that body for

People dont you know

dont you know its about time

can ya hear the jam is pumpin while

u taste a piece of mine

many different flavors and the spice is strong

get into the hot stuff let me pour a little some

(Chorus)

Can you feel the mellow crawlin fast

come on baby

rhythms blast

pump it pump it pump it up

nothin can make this one stop

youve gotta move this

youve gotta move this

oh yeah you gotta groove this and move this on

shake that body for baby let me show you howda do this

(chorus)

Toes be tappin

Fingers snappin

hands clappin my mouth rappin

Talkin about cold lappin

shut up and do the walk

use what you got show me

your on the floor so let me see

dont say nothing less i saw

and remember i like it raw

you've gotta move this

you've gotta move this

oh yeah yeah yeah

you've gotta move this

uh uh uh uhn shake that body fo me

baby let me show you howda do this

you gotta move this, your doin fine

theres nothin to it youve gotta groove it

c'mon and move this shake that body

baby let me show you howda do this

you gotta move this and move this

aint nothin to it you gotta move it

move it shake that body for me yo shake that body for me.

2 ½ pills out of 5 pills

That half a pill goes entirely for the credits scene!

Blood & Chocolate

2007-03-16T17:42:00.000+08:00

Blood & Chocolate

I had the sense to take my medication before watching this movie so I was slightly out of it and quite happily disorientated.

Oliver Martinez has an extremely irritating voice and this stupid Vivian girl is the same annoying one from Haven, Bill Paxton’s nauseating daughter Pippa or whatever! And they’re werewolves?!? The only thing these two should be is rabbit shit!

I just don’t like her face!!

Then lo and behold, there comes along this oblivious, innocent, six o’ clock shadowed artist who thinks she’s hot or whatever! And all this is going down in Romania. How believable! Cause there are Americans, British, whatever the fuck Martinez is, all of them JUST happened to be in Romania at the same time!

Real wolves are used, not CGIs, the real wolves are such a delight to watch! But what I don’t understand is when the wolf jumps on his victim to attack, the victim always reaches out to catch the wolf like he’s their long lost friend who they have not seen in years!

And apparently, werewolves are born and not made, did I already say I hate Martinez accent?! Well, I hate Martinez’s accent!!!

And when the irritating Pippa the Pimple shifts we are all treated with a slow motion scene coupled with glorious choir chorus music and that’s not all, while all the other wolves are of common colors, the Pimple gets to be the only white wolf!

Wolves are so pretty.

2 pills out of 5 pills only for the wolves and innocent, six o’ clock shadowed artist!

Gridiron Gang

2007-03-16T15:31:00.000+08:00

Gridiron Gang

This a true story, its one of those underdogs triumphs in the end kinda thing, quite typical, I’ve watched maybe like a gazillion films like this. Believe in yourself; be a winner not a loser, teamwork.

Tidbits:

Sport: American Football
Place: Camp Kilpatrick L.A County Probation Dept. (Juvenile Detention Home for Boys)
Races: Black, white, Latino.
Coach: Sean Porter (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson)
Asst. Coach: Malcolm Moore (Xzibit, who’s real name is: Alvin Nathaniel Joiner IV, pimp that Xzibit!!)

1/2 a pill out of 5

Hollywoodland

2007-03-16T12:56:00.000+08:00

Hollywoodland

Ben Affleck is a tubby bitch, maybe its because Adrien Brody is there for us to compare. But I don’t think so I think Affleck is just a tubby bitch.

This is one of those movies where the end is first, and then we are taken back to how the first scene happened. I’m all for artistic expression but seriously, it would help if they label the scenes “Past” “Present” or something like that, and by the way its not so inventive anymore if every filmmaker is doing the same fucking thing!

Anyways! I don’t know if it just me but I only get what’s happening like an hour or so into the movie, maybe I’m slow or maybe these directors ought not to confuse their audiences!!

So anyway, tubby is an actor, Brody is a private detective; Diane Lane is a big shot movie producer’s wife whom tubby gets with (the whole, younger man, older woman thing).

Everybody says tubby killed himself except his mother who then hires Brody to “investigate”. So Brody goes around finding stuff out and asking questions and I only realized what was happening when Brody envisions a possible scenario. Then its like Ohhh! Stupid shits!

2 pills out of 5

Music & Lyrics

2007-03-14T20:32:00.000+08:00

Music & Lyrics

Predictable. But then again which romantic comedy isn’t? Hugh Grant plays Alex Fletcher an 80’s pop icon who at present is a has-been, while Sophie Fisher played by Drew Barrymore is a plant waterer? Or so my intuitive senses tells me.

Grant looks noticeably older at 47 while Barrymore looks somewhat like a pubescent adult. I might as well just cut to the chase because the movie is just another clichéd, conventional and insipid romantic comedy with its familiar themes and a typical ending.

Don’t get me wrong, it was not like it wasn’t entertaining, it was, thanks mainly to Grant who seems to have a knack for comedies, these past recent years.

Barrymore is average, she was playing herself. Now the one thing that caught me off my guard was Kristen Johnston of 3rd Rock from the sun fame, playing Sophie’s sister, Rhonda. I mean my God!!! That so has to be a man! There is no possible way that that is a woman, its just not possible, people. I’m telling you, it’s a MAN!!!! I suspected it from 3rd Rock but now I SO believe my own assumptions.

Anyway, blah blah blah…boy meets girl, boy fucks girl, boy makes girl angry, boy apologies in of course the standard, immensely dramatic romantic way, what else.

1 out of 5 pills (For originality and envisioned themes)

The Last King of Scotland

2007-03-12T22:15:00.000+08:00

The Last King of Scotland

I was pleasantly surprised that this movie was somewhat engaging, and this is coming from someone who had no idea at all about the storyline. I actually thought that Forest Whitaker was Scottish and was playing the Scotland’s last king!! How ignorant of me!

He was actually playing the role of one time Uganda’s President, Idi Amin. While the ‘cute in a certain light’ James McAvoy, plays Dr. Nicholas Garrigan, a Scottish doctor who chose to be in Uganda as opposed to joining this father’s practice.

When the doctor arrives he’s greeted by a blonde, messy hair, Agent Scully! Of course here she’s Sarah Merrit.

Then blah blah blah, the doctor meets the president, the president loves him to death and gives him a job as an “adviser and personal physician” then blah blah blah.

I can’t tell you the rest of the story without spoiling it but I will say there are maybe 2 gruesome stomach turning scenes and that Scottish burr is very addictive!!

3 out of 5 pills

The History Boys

2007-03-12T13:51:00.000+08:00

The History Boys

This movie was watched in sections that seemed to stretch for forever so it was a looooong draggy kinda thing. Maybe its just me but I found it dry.

There is a whole lot of talking and if you don’t have the ear to catch on to what’s being said, you best not watch the film.

That said, if you’re like me and don’t speak or understand French without the help of subtitles, you’ll be lost for about 4 minutes further in the movie cause there’s a scene where everybody is speaking French. They could have been talking about coming and murdering me in my sleep and I still wouldn’t understand a word.

The testosterone level is a constant high and for some reason the homosexuality overtones seem to be widely accepted and even in a sense understood and expected. Everybody is just so happy and gay!

I was half asleep watching this movie so the spontaneous singing, spouting of poetry and quotations of people long dead were not processed in this thing on my shoulders, inside my skull. But I did remember two! So hurrah for me!

“There is no better way of forgetting something than by commemorating it.”

“All knowledge is precious, whether or not it serves the slightest human use.”

And for no apparent reason, here are some helping words!

Trollup
A trollup (or trollop) is a usually at fat dumb person who acts really gay and camp but isnt. It can also be used as a name.

Crass
Having such grossness of mind, another word for bad, terrible. Another word for bad, terrible, crap.

Nancy
A homosexual.

½ a pill out of 5

The Holiday

2007-03-11T15:35:00.000+08:00

The Holiday

I like Kate Winslet, I’ve always thought that she is not as pretentious as the rest of Hollywood. I had no idea Edward Burns was in this! Why didn’t someone tell me?!

So the typical romantic holiday story goes like this, American woman (Diaz) and English woman (Winslet) swap homes for the holidays because both of them are suffering the oh so “not expected” break-up blues.

So while the numbingly dumb American blonde puts up in Winslet’s cottage, SURPRISINGLY, Winslet’s brother who in recent times have become slightly nauseating Jude Law shows up.

While over in LA, Winslet befriends Diaz’s 90 year old neighbor, who exudes more charm in two hours than Law could ever in his entire lifetime. Enter Jack Black, he works with Diaz who makes trailers for movies, while he composes.

Okay, blah blah bleeuh!

You know the rest of the story, don’t make me go through it, I have been sufficiently punished just by sitting here and watching it.

Look out for the trailer that Diaz “apparently” made, its got James Franco and Lindsay ‘I’m white trash’ Lohan in it.

And Winslet’s dog, at least I think its Winslet’s dog, I don’t think she would fly herself and her dog to L.A if it was only for the holidays and besides pork faced Diaz would be there to kill him accidentally cause she thought the rat cage laced with rat poison was actually his muzzle.

But the point is, that’s a cute dog and probably even spells too! Which Diaz can’t do.

½ a pill out of 5

And its only to give face to Black, Winslet and that Old Man.

Oh! And look out for Dustin Hoffman in the video store!

Haven

2007-03-11T12:44:00.000+08:00

Haven

Haven is one of those “connected” movies, think 2004’s Crash. Its title is an oxymoron but you would have to watch it to figure out why. The movie starts off somewhere with Carl Ridley’s (Bill Paxton) daughter Pippa Ridley (Agnes Bruckner) celebrating her 18th birthday at a restaurant. Her father arrives only to give her a birthday present and leaves soon after.

I don’t know if its just me but if I saw that scene elsewhere without knowing the relationship between the two involved, I’d surely think, that’s a couple. Like a couple who fucks.

Anyways! Blah blah blah and Carl has to leave for the Caribbean because he fucked up some illegal money thingy (I’m thinking laundering). Precious lil’ Pippa (okay, what the fuck kinda name is that?!) is upset because they have everything in Miami, her friends, memories and her mother’s ashes.

So they arrive and here is where it all happens, this is where the chain reaction starts. I won’t say anything that gives away the ending but let’s just say it was not disappointing nor typical.

But I will say that these Caribbean people are almost impossible to decipher, God knows what the fuck they’re saying (think Yeah Yeah, Sean Paul). Some scenes where I think even the director (Frank E. Flowers, and I think the spelling is an attempt to be hip hop orientated, Frankie Flowers would have worked just fine! But he grew up in the Cayman Islands, so who the hell knows!)

Where was I? Right! These people speak weird, so weird that there are subtitles! Hearing Bloom Bloom attempting this made me choke on cigarette smoke!

Here’s my take:

Bill Paxton: I like, his acting comes off as authentic

The Pippa Daughter: Hmm…ooookay, she wasn’t required to do much anyway, just be blonde and a slight brat.

Bloom Bloom: Bloom Bloom will be Bloom Bloom, always the good earnest boy, so its nothing out of his reach. Its like watching Legolas speaking Japanese or something.

Zoe Saldana: I never liked her, her face was just made to hate. And if you look closely towards the end where she’s at the pier, my God! Those are humongous nostrils! And I couldn’t tear my eyes off them even to listen to what she was saying!

Victor Rasuk: Now this guy, I find him considerably irritating! From the talk to the walk to the dreads but there’s a scene in a laundromat where he gets what he’s worth from a cop and I found that a very pleasing sight! And something tells me he’s sooooooooooo Chevron’s type and she’ll be gushing all about him!

The rest of the cast just do their thing to make the story work, so I won’t my precious time!

2 ½ pills out of 5

Official Opening

2007-03-11T12:37:00.000+08:00

We are officially up and running!